I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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