Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
