How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
