My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
