also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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