I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
