Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
