Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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