dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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