"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
