Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
