did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
