three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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