When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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