All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
