your room smells of hookers.
And success
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
