I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
