we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
