this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
