i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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