Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
