I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
