my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
