Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I want her autograph on my taint
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
