Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
