My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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