guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
