How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He felt like a one man threesome
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
