I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize