dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
