So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize