i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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