If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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