You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
do herpes really smell.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
