I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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