you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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