At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize