yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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