I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
