He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
