I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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