Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
