so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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