it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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