Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
