Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
