I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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