U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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