could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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