who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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