Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize