This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
