Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
