Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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