And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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