I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
