I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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