the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
