i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
not ubering you a puppy
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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