Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Michael Bay diarrhea
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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