When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
